JustMe

10.10.09 @ 4:08 pm

Doing Everything Wrong, God this time it’ll be different..

what in the world is going on with me? why am i this way?

i need to stop, i need to get myself together, fix my life,  its falling apart again…

i’m falling through the cracks that i can barely make it by, my focus isn’t there, i’m all over the place…

what am i doing with myself? all i do, is not care, not care that i’m digging deeper into hell..

wheres my priorities? what happened to my life? why am i making the wrong choices?

i need to get my shit together…

i’m fat…so i need to lose weight…

i’m unheathy…so i need to exercise..

i’m bad eater…so i need to eat healthy

i’m tired…so i need to get better sleep…

i’m lazy…so i need to get motivation…

i’m stupid…so i need to study harder…

i’m distracted…so i need to focus…

i’m distant…so i need to get closer

i’m losing true friends… so i need to fight to keep them…

i’m nothing… so i need to make effort to be something…

i’m a turning away for “him”…so i need to find “him” again..

i’m missing church…so i need to go back to church..

i’m changing bad…so i need change good…

i’m lost…so i need to be found again…

i’m unhappy….so i need to be happy…

i’m lonely…so i need to fill that void…

this is the time…the time i get my act together before its too late…before i ruin my chances of living a better life…dear God please forgive me for falling way off the path you intended to me to follow, please forgive me for giving in to temptation..i need you God…i need you to help me be better…help me to change…help to to grow happy with you and with myself because i’m uhappy Lord…please give me the strength… i need you…i really need you…i’m sorry i truly mean it…this time woill be different, i have faith in you and i’ll try to have faith in myself, but i need your help… i’m fed up, i’ve had enough of my ignorance to greater life in you…i love you and always will…

04.15.09

****This is my entry called “Shattering Innocence”… i wanted to enter this in a def jam poetry contest but i’m kinda shy haha…but basically this talks about how my curiosity to try things, and how falling in to peer pressure, has hit my innocence, my life really hard..

i could never imagine what my life would be like…

i never imagined growing up, at the age i am, the knowledge vesseled within my mind the emotions wrapped within my soul…
i never a saw any of this coming, the people i hang with, the things i do, the things i’ve tried, never in my life would i ever believe i would be doing things like this…

how changed of a person i was, but a small sense of innocence left in me, and a large bundle of curiousity sparking within my very existence…
what i want to experience is vague but ever so broad, varies in shape or form…

i can’t imagine how different i’ve become, what a totally different person apart from that young bright and youthful child, it fades so quickly, i feel shot in every direction of adult hood, young adult hood, peer pressures, personal complications, fustrations, responsibilities, to much pressure of life and succession..

time, no time, running out of time! all this multi variations of situations spinning madly around in wild crazy circles and grabbing and pulling and stretching and just plain sucking the lives out of me…….just plain draining me to my very core… feels dead..it all feels dead to me…my innocence so far from grasp now…


tired…all the time…
but when it comes to those moments of happiness its just plain stupid, curiousity hits me to the core…try this and that and this, addicting, now becoming a habit, hard to stay away, another drug-like thing to add to my long list of addictions, of disappointments, of reckless behavior deterioating my long sense of youth and innocence…gone all gone..and in the end i could never imagine my innocence fully shattered… my life fully shattered…end

03.09.09

this is my entry called “Sometimes you just have to realize”…

somtimes you just have to realize…

that you can’t always have everything you want…
that everything always doesn’t go your way…
and that you can’t please and satisfy everybody…
that friends, family, people in general won’t always be the same…
that sometimes you’re used and then abandoned…
that sometimes the one you where with or are with isn’t the person you once fell in love with…
that love hurts…
that sometimes infatuation is mistaken for love…
and that you shouldn’t confuse pain and abuse, with love…
and people will take advantage of you, if you let them…
and people will hurt you, lie to you, and cheat…
that people may be given a second chance but never a third, fourth, or fifth…
that being alone, being single, is okay…
that having high expectations is okay…
that saying “No” is okay…
that the phrase “if you love me, then you would do it” is really stupid…
that being honest is the best thing…
that you should forgive no matter what….
and some friendships lasts and others don’t…
that change is hard and you have to deal with it…
that people move on so you should too…
that people always leave and in turn may never come back…
and if they do come back, they’re different…
and that reality helps you realize who to trust and who not to trust…
and who brings you down and who you pushes you up…
the one who leaves you and the one who stays…
the one who walks with you and and the one who walks behind you…
one who lifts you but the one who carries you…
those who defines you as a friend and and those who defines you as an acquaintance…
that the world does not revolve around you…
and that there are far worst things you don’t even know…
and that there are others suffering with you…maybe even worst…
that hurting youself or ending your life is not the answer, that you get nothing out of it but pure darkness and lonliness…
that the light is better than darkeness…
that drugs and alcohol won’t make things better…
that being happy helps prolong your life…
that your health is important…
that people look up to you even if you don’t realize it…
that you shouldn’t judge someone on the outside but whats on the inside…
that looks can be decieving…
that even if you feel alone you are never alone….
and that even if people leave you an abandon you, its not the end of the world… 
and that you can’t do everything…
that you have a talent, maybe other people’s aren’t yours but you have one..
that being jealous is being human…
that money does not grow on trees…
and that you should appreciate what you have and have been blessed with because there are others who would give anything to have even enough to survive…
that a little goes a long way…
that you don’t have to do something big to change the world…
that not everyone is perfect so theres no reason to judge or hate them…
that if they’re not bothering you then whats the point in bothering or talkin about them…
that assuming is what creates drama…
that keeping it in will make you wonder the big “What if..” in the end…
and that sometimes miscommunication can screw things up…
that not telling the truth or just keeping to yourself is far worst than being straight up…
that in the end life is not perfect…
and that your not perfect…
and that just being yourself is the best you can be…
that your best and trying to do your best, is all that you can do…
that you shouldn’t care what other people think except for what you think…
and that your thoughts and your ideas matter and its up to you to put it out there for everyone to see…
that you beautiful inside and out and it doesn’t matter what people say or how people judge…
and that your are smart and will do something with your life even though people tell you other wise…
and that if it doesn’t work out you can always try again or start all over…
and that you can screw up as many times but God loves you no matter what, same goes for your parents…
you are a loser….but i love you no matter what…
we are who we are, its all we can be, if we could realized this within the short amount of time given to us i think our lives could be at peace…only on those given moments it springs like wildfire…but then we always fail to notice and we fail to realize…but in the end we somehow will try to or eventually get it right…

02.24.09

This is another entry i wrote this past year in February… its called “tell me, when do i find the time?”…..i think many people can relate cus it deals with my life and how hard it is to find time to do things and it become so fustrating and stressful when i can find time especially ‘me’ time…

i sacrifice so much of my free time for this and that…
all i’ve been doing is this and that…
so when do i find the time? when do i find the time to think to realize that life is changing…time is going by so fast that its getting harder and harder to keep up…even hard to breathe…
its getting difficult that i have not much time for others…do i sacrifice more…what if i have no more time to sacrifice… they say yea you have all the time in the world…but no…we don’t…
soo i don’t understand when i see all these kids going out, classmates talking about getting wasted the night before, people drinking night after night….spending money at the clubs and i wonder where do they get all their time? why is it so easy for them to go school and have enough time to relax and breathe and have a good time…while i struggle with school and have no time for anything…not even time for myself…

all i do is go to work, school, and church, most of my time if taken up basically studying… or working at home taking care of my family needs… i feel like a damn adult…

why is it my cousins all have children and work and yet they find time to drink and party all night long…it irritates me that its seems so easy for them…i’m tired all the time…

i have no time to go to the gym…which  i pay $40 a month to go to….

if you have time, just please answer my simple question…

where has the time been going?

12.29.08

this is my entry called “be free to fly through the new year”

****i wrote this before the new year of 2009, i was in an expression mode that time, i did alot of self evaluating and and reflecting on the year of 2008…i looked at the choices i made and the mistakes i’ve claimed…it was hard but was something i need to say not only to myself but to other people…in hopes they could become a better person or atleast try…i’m not a better person but i know everyday i’m still trying my hardest, no ones perfect but sometimes it takes a good self reflection to help better ourselves just a little bit…here you go! =]

at a standing point…stop…listen…see…

look at yourself…

then ask yourself…

what do you need to change? what would you do to make things different, to make things right for yourself this new year…

what do you need to eliminate? bad relationships, drama, procrastination, distractions, peer pressure, insecurities, stupid choices and mistakes…

who is true to you? the real friends from the ones you know will let you down…true colors have been shown, so who is real and who is fake? who can you get along with and who you can’t? who will bring you down and who will push you towards your dreams and support you…

what do need to adjust to your attitude towards others? what do need to change to better yourself? how you act towards people and how you use caution around others emotions, how you show class and sophistication, your another year older, maturity, soo don’t overreact, stop being a drama queen or bitch…your an adult now…

how misunderstandings can create problems, so change it, or prevent it…

stop assuming you’re the center of attention, you’re not… be real…this is reality live it…

take life seriously, but not too seriously, although theres work to do, create time for play, enjoy life…

live free to your standards, your expectations…be happy, but remember to still be yourself…don’t change too much that you lose yourself but just change to be a little bit better….discard old bad habits and pick up life changing and new ones…

goals to make, goals to create… ambitions……..dreams…..everythings a possibility…

new year calls for new possibilites, a slight change in lifestyle…the world is still turning but is slowly changing…

so what can you dow to better your life? why not better someone elses as well?

to help the world its takes tiny steps…

help someone other than yourself…then that makes you free to fly through the new year with a better heart and a better mind…

peace be your journey…the new year comes…lets change it together…. =]

10.22.08

my entry called ‘Second Chances’

i thank him for giving me another chance, another chance to redeem myself, another chance for me to change…

its been so rough…i been on a crazy rollercoaster…

sometimes i’m at my high, where everything’s good and just when you know it, it all goes crashing down… but i understand now, thats how life is, it gets rough, and slowly but steadily gets better…i just have to try and make it better… and push myself back to that wondrous high…

so many things happening so fast but i know its the right way now, from a book, to a bible, to sharing, and meeting, and talking, and bringing up unresolved notions…all has left me in a deep wonder to what i have been doing to where i stand now…

soo lost at first but now im slowly progressing…that second chance at my grasp…

after hearing so many stories so many realistic feelings that my relationship with him can go beyond my expectations is so uplifting…

i want it i really want that spiritual high, but its so hard to obtain it…i get soo distracted…

but i need to focus…focus on that chance, that opportunity…

i need to fufill that vision… the vision we all will and must ultimately see at one point in our destined lives…

is this the vision i lost soo long ago? but its back, and i need to grasp it before i lose it again… i won’t let anything stop me from what i need to fufill… from me getting MY second chance back…